There are statements therapists frequently hear from parents going through a traditional divorce. Instead of helping parents come together for the sake of their children, divorce often creates more disharmony and mistrust. The emotional scars left on children cannot be overstated. Below are some common examples therapists hear:
Litigious divorces are difficult for adults. While many parents eventually recover, it is important to focus on the most vulnerable and impressionable people involved in the divorce: the children.
The negative effects can last long after the divorce is finalized. Adversarial divorces may shape how children view future relationships. Children may begin to wonder, “Can love really be trusted? Is love just another form of war?”
Traditional adversarial divorce often pushes parents into opposing corners, where communication happens mainly through attorneys. Messages become misconstrued, misinterpreted, and emotionally charged. Parents may begin assuming the worst about each other, and children often absorb much more of the conflict than adults realize.
Children and teens overhear conversations with extended family and friends. They notice sighs, harsh tones, facial expressions, and subtle contempt. Even indirect negativity can shape a child’s developing perception of the other parent. These behaviors can range from mild criticism to outright alienation.
When children transition between homes, they are not only adjusting to a new environment, but also adapting to a different parent’s rules, expectations, and routines. The first few hours or days after a transition can be emotionally difficult. Some children vent their frustrations openly, while others suffer quietly.
Often, what a child says may reflect emotions or perspectives they picked up in the other parent’s home. When communication between parents is poor, a child’s frustration can sound like criticism or “bashing.” The receiving parent may immediately wonder: “Has my child been poisoned against me?”
As parents, it is natural to become defensive when your values, intentions, or actions are questioned. When a child says something negative about you, the instinct may be to interrogate them further or immediately explain “your side of the story.”
As a psychologist, I often see parents defend themselves by questioning the accuracy or integrity of the child’s words, assuming the child is merely parroting the other parent. Unfortunately, this response often leaves the child feeling invalidated and unheard.
Over time, this dynamic can unintentionally create more emotional distance between the child and the parent being accused. This process is known as estrangement, where the parent inadvertently pushes the child further away through defensiveness and conflict.
A common example occurs when an adolescent transitions between homes:
Mom: “I’m glad to see you. Tell me about school.”
The daughter says nothing and goes to her room.
Later, Mom checks on her.
Mom: “Is something wrong?”
Daughter: “Why do I have to be here? Why can’t I stay with Dad during the week? This is pointless and hurts my grades.”
Mom: “Did your father tell you that?”
While feeling attacked is never easy, the healthiest response is to listen first without becoming defensive. At a calmer time, parents can revisit concerns and seek clarification without confrontation.
A more productive response might be:
“I know this must feel confusing, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. There is another side to the story, but that is something the adults need to handle right now. I trust that, over time, you’ll form your own understanding of both your father and me. Please keep talking to us. You are the most important person in our lives, and we both love you very much.”
Giving children space to express confusion and emotions strengthens the long-term parent-child relationship. Confronting them or accusing them of taking sides often creates more distance and resentment.
Divorce is inherently difficult, but it does not have to harm children emotionally. There are ways to reduce the emotional impact.
One effective option is collaborative divorce. In this process, a neutral team of professionals — typically two attorneys, a mental health professional, and a financial specialist — helps parents develop parenting and financial plans while improving communication and problem-solving skills.
Parents who complete the collaborative divorce process often leave feeling more capable of working together respectfully for the sake of their children. This cooperative approach can significantly improve children’s emotional adjustment, stability, and overall mental health.
Children often struggle silently during divorce, especially when conflict between parents remains unresolved. Early support can help reduce emotional distress, improve family communication, and strengthen parent-child relationships.
Dr. Ray Levy & Associates provides counseling, co-parenting support, and collaborative divorce services for families in Addison, North Dallas, and surrounding communities. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and learn how we can help your family navigate divorce with your child's well-being in mind.
